Sunday, March 14, 2010

Only I can do this......

Life has given me many ups and downs through the short 37 years I have been here. Through many of those years, I have counted on others to help get me through each phase. Many times being disappointed because no one was there. I've never really believed in myself. I've always battled many demons; depression, loneliness, anger, sadness, poor self-image, unhappiness, etc. This can be traced back as far as I can remember. Even in my early years I remember feeling this way. And when I hit adolescence, it just sky rocketed to where I am today.

I know many of my blogs are very negative and very sad. One thing I have realized is that this is a very helpful way to get my emotions out. I've kept them bottled inside and have just dealt with them internally, unsafely. If I didn't have this avenue to get my emotions out, they would still be bottled up and eating away at me. This is my therapy. I have tried therapy but in the end I can't get everything out so I stopped going. I refuse to be medicated anymore. I refuse to be in a "fog" through out life. It does no good being that way.

I think I am going to quit school for the time being. I have to much on my "plate". I have to take care of "me" before I tackle something else.

Much of my problem has been centered around my weight. I need to kick my addiction to food and get healthy. I need to do this for the right reasons. I need to learn to love me for just being me. I need to love myself unconditionally. I need to get my path back to the straight and narrow. As my mom says, back to the basics.

Jim Walter (from Facebook says) "Everything starts when you believe in yourself and others believe in you". This sums up everything I need to do. I have many who believe in me. I just need to believe in myself. I need to take charge in my destiny. It's only me that can make the change. No one else can do it for me.

So this is my promise, my manifesto, to myself. This is the begining, the alpha of the new me.

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