Sunday, March 14, 2010

Only I can do this......

Life has given me many ups and downs through the short 37 years I have been here. Through many of those years, I have counted on others to help get me through each phase. Many times being disappointed because no one was there. I've never really believed in myself. I've always battled many demons; depression, loneliness, anger, sadness, poor self-image, unhappiness, etc. This can be traced back as far as I can remember. Even in my early years I remember feeling this way. And when I hit adolescence, it just sky rocketed to where I am today.

I know many of my blogs are very negative and very sad. One thing I have realized is that this is a very helpful way to get my emotions out. I've kept them bottled inside and have just dealt with them internally, unsafely. If I didn't have this avenue to get my emotions out, they would still be bottled up and eating away at me. This is my therapy. I have tried therapy but in the end I can't get everything out so I stopped going. I refuse to be medicated anymore. I refuse to be in a "fog" through out life. It does no good being that way.

I think I am going to quit school for the time being. I have to much on my "plate". I have to take care of "me" before I tackle something else.

Much of my problem has been centered around my weight. I need to kick my addiction to food and get healthy. I need to do this for the right reasons. I need to learn to love me for just being me. I need to love myself unconditionally. I need to get my path back to the straight and narrow. As my mom says, back to the basics.

Jim Walter (from Facebook says) "Everything starts when you believe in yourself and others believe in you". This sums up everything I need to do. I have many who believe in me. I just need to believe in myself. I need to take charge in my destiny. It's only me that can make the change. No one else can do it for me.

So this is my promise, my manifesto, to myself. This is the begining, the alpha of the new me.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Doritos and Graveyards

Well I fell off the wagon. I have done so good, but Willard had some Doritos and I sat for the past couple of nights with him working and them sitting out on the counter before I partook. I won't say how many I ate. I've done fairly well (not 100% faithful) to my diet. I've lost almost 20 lbs since I started 2 weeks ago. I've got another 26 days to go. Hope to loose another 30 to 40 lbs. I know what I need to do, and I just have got to do it. I'm not as strong this go around as I was the last two. This time around just don't think I have the selection like I had the other two. I'm just going to have to try to find a way to purchase the pre-made meals.

One thing I can say is that I'm definately getting my water in. I drink at least 32 oz to 64 oz of coffee (with a couple of splenda packets in it--I can't drink it black, guess I'm not man enough), at least 4 or 5 liters of water (more when I am at work, I drink a liter an hour), and at least 100 oz of crystal light lemonade. That is 333 oz of water/fluid I take in each day. AND I see the results. I should probally only drink about 200 oz, that is what is required for my body to keep it hydrated.

Well my shift is almost over. I want to thank my bestie again. I want to thank her for all she has done for me. To keep me on the straight and narrow. To keep me directed in the right direction. I won't say it, but you know but I'm mushy.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Dream Continued

My bestie told me I need to keep up on my blog, so because of her I have a lot of catching up to do :), to satisfy my readers. I will happily do so....Man I didn't realize how long it has been since I have blogged. I have to keep up with it.

There has been some very important things that have happened in my life the past while. I have completed series 2 of HCG and on to my 3rd. Series 2 has been the best series so far, with the greatest loss of over 100 lbs. I'm on day 8 of series 3, with only a 8 lb loss so far. I have not been so staunch on keeping the diet, but I will be from now on. I want to be down another 100 lbs total by May 29Th, which is my 17Th anniversary. Closer to getting my motorbike :). Closer to my goal of actually looking good. Closer to my fitting into "sexy" clothes. Closer to everything I want to do and what I want to be.

Oct 1st I went back to school. Totally changing what I wanted to be "when I grew up". I no longer want to be in computers (although I will continue working w/ them in my new profession). I have decided that I wanted to become a teacher. My dream has always been to be a music teacher, but have decided to become a high school biology teacher. This will let me be and do what I've wanted to do ever since I was a little child. Maybe one day, I will fulfill my ultimate dream of becoming a music teacher, but either way, it is an important position.

Heather has also began going back to school. She is working on Elementary Education w/ emphasis on special ed. This is something she has wanted to do for a very long time. This has been the one goal she has always wanted to achieve, but has never had the chance to. She fulfilled her time at her position at DI and we had decided that she needs to pursue this and get onto a career she can be proud at.

I had a wonderful Christmas this year. Our yearly assistance went to a good, close friend this year. We were able to provide a Christmas to this family, total of 5 family members, including a dinner. It felt so good being able to help provide for a family, plus a close friend on top of it. I didn't get many presents myself, but used that money to provide for this family, so in the end, I received the best Christmas gift ever. This is the second year we were able to do this, and if I have any chance, it will be a yearly occurance. We have had help several times over the years, and this is my way of giving back. I love the feeling that I get by doing this. And all I ask is that the families that I help, pay it forward when and if their circumstances changes for the better.

Well folks, I must end this blog for now, but I will keep up on it. I have a couple of papers I need to write and get ready to turn in this week. I took to much time off of my school work. I have to get back on the ball. And to my bestie, thanks for everything and thanks for kicking me in the butt once again. You rock and, well you know, all that mushy stuff.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Company Where I Got Series 2

I found this company for my next series of HCG. It was 1/5th cheaper than what I paid for my first series. The people there are wonderful. I ordered on August 21st and received my order today August 31. 10 days total. They said it could take up to 21 days. Less than half. I have had nothing but pleasurable experience with this company. If you need HCG please use this company. It is wonderful.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


It has been such a long time since I've written in my BLOG. There has been so much going through my mind the past month, specifically the last 3 weeks. I found out then that Jeff is moving away, and such a long ways away. 13 hour drive, and a fast drive at that. There have been so many emotions going through my head over that. I've been under such stress and anxiety over it, I do wish them good luck and hope they achieve all that they wish to achieve, but then there will probably be no contact with each other again, more than likely for good this time. His other 2 times he's moved away, there were no contact at all, so that is what bothers me the most about this move. So many things we've missed out of each other's lives, it's hard to fathom that we will not be together to celebrate or just hang out as we have over these past 6 or 7 years. It was so good having him back in my life, in our lives, all over again. I just can't say goodbye to him, but I know I must face the fact that he will be gone forever and not be a couple blocks away any longer.

I've kinda put everyone on the back burner as I try to work these feelings out. I've only let 1 person in to help me try to work out these feelings I have. For that I wouldn't of even been able to work through what I've felt. What I'm continuously going to be feeling. She is a constant supporter of me. She supports me in everything I do, and decide. She has made these past several months more bearable. She has given me such a lift, I feel I can achieve anything I set my mind to.

All my kids have started school this week. They have all grown up way to fast, but then again, I keep saying they haven't grown up fast enough. I look forward to all my kids growing up and leaving the nest, begining their own lives. I am so proud of each of my kids. Mindee has done so good this past year with her schooling and work and able to survive in the midst of some horrific experiences, experiences she shouldn't have to deal with. Elijah is growing more each day into the man he is destined to become. He has grown leaps and bounds, going through those grown up things that boys do. Amanda, she has become such a doll. She loves everyone and everything. She has developed her own personality and is growing into such a beautiful adolescent girl. Before to much longer, she will be going on dates and I'll have to have the talk with all the boys she goes out with. Shelley, our Shelley belly, it's fun just sitting back and watching her grow. She is so special to everyone she meets and loves everyone unconditionally. Little Randall bandall, he's turned 8 and will be baptized shortly, got into cub scouts and is so excited about what life has to offer. He is going to be in his first rain gutter regata this week and loves even the thought of going and spending time with everything it has to offer.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

37 Years Young

This past week has been an eventful few days for me. Alot has happened. My cousin JoAnn McCoy passed away after a long battle with cancer. She was a real sweet lady. Her funeral was this past Monday with the viewing on Sunday. Once again, another close family member has passed away. It seems that this is a never ending battle for me. Every so often a death has occurred and have to go on with this life and live without someone else in it. She was a grandmotherly person in my life. She was so full of love for everyone in the family. She started the Pierce/Durfee family reunion many years ago and has kept it alive since then. This year's reunion was a few days before her passing, so she wasn't able to attend. When mom and I visited her a few weeks before, she was in such good mood and such vibrant health, we were surprised somewhat when she passed. I didn't go to the viewing instead spending the time with one of my "besties" as we call ourselves.

Joey was fun to be with during that time. She picked me up from the hotel and we went back to her house to spend some time together and her family. We cooked smores and the kids and her husband went swimming in their pool. It looked like fun in the pool as her husband threw the kids about and the laughter and fun time was infectious. I gave her a birthday gift (her birthday being today July 23rd) and she got upset with me. She said she loved it but I shouldn't of gave her anything. But it was my idea to give it to her anyways. She thought I was kidding and she was hoping I wouldn't give her anything. But I had to. It was fun surprising her with the small gift.

When she drove me back to the hotel later that night, we said our goodbyes and I got out of her van, the shorts I was wearing fell down. Swoosh they were down. No warning just down they went, to the knees. I was so embarrassed I didn't turn around hoping she did not see what had just happened. As I chatted with her tonight I found out she did in fact not see what happened. I had the belt tightened as tight as I could, I guess I have to get the drill out again and make another hole in the belt.

Monday at the funeral, it was a good turn out. JoAnn touched so many people's lives. She taught thousands and thousands piano over her 50 plus years teaching. Many cakes, many parties. There was so many people there to honor her. After the family goodbyes/closing of the casket, I was amazed that the whole chapel was filled with family and friends. I don't think there could of been anyone else sit in the pews. We were all elbow to elbow. If anyone else showed up, the overflow would of had to been opened up. It was good to have so many show up to pay tribute to a very fine lady.

Tuesday was my birthday. The day started off really uneventful. I received a few birthday wishes from friends and family throughout the day. Then talking with the wife about getting our tattoos. She has told me the past little while that she wanted one and wouldn't allow me to get another without her getting one first. So as the day went by, she told me lets plan on getting our tattoos tonight. It was a total surprise. I never thought she would follow through with it. We originally planned on going to Olive Garden for dinner and movie with Jeff and his wife. Since it was only a few days before I could begin to eat anything, with no restrictions, but with JoAnn's passing I canceled those plans because at the time we didn't know when the funeral would be. It's a good thing we did cancel, because in the end there was an emergency and wouldn't of been able to do anything.

Jen, Jeff's wife, had to have emergency surgery that night. She had a case of appendicitis and had to be rushed into LDS Hospital to have the surgery. But thank goodness nothing happened and it didn't burst. That could of been a major problem. Earlier I took her to the hospital because their truck needs a few repairs and Jeff was at work. She was in a lot of pain and just didn't feel good for the past few days. I'm glad to say she is back home and recuperating. Glad nothing happened to her.

It was real fun getting the tattoos with Heather and have made plans with my sisters to have one done with them too. And if Joey gets the nerve up, I hope to have one with her as well. Heather and I plan on having 1 more done together, then by then I should have everything I want. Each one of my tattoos have special meaning in my life.

My first tattoo I got with Jeff while on a business trip down in Cedar City. It is the symbol of the Blue Knights Drum and Bugle Corps, the marching group I belonged to in 1990 and 1991. My second tattoo was on another business trip to Price, Utah this time. It is a dream catcher with 6 feathers coming off of it, each symbolizing one of my kids. My third tattoo was my tribute to my father, being a member of Coastal Division 11 during the Viet Nam war, the snoopy, is half way done. I have to go back and have it finished. My 4th tattoo is my tribute to my Uncle Byron, who was my best friend for all my life, up to when he died 13 years ago. It is an outline of a 1967 Fender Mustang guitar with a frog sitting on a lilly pad inside the body of the guitar with the words "Lookin' Through Byron's Eyes" which was the song he wrote about his life. That last one was the one I got for my birthday.

If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday
to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling
with anyone other than you.

- Courtney Kuchta -

Your Name

I wrote your name in the sky,
but the wind blew it away.
I wrote your name in the sand,
but the waves washed it away.
I wrote your name in my heart,
and forever it will stay.

- Jessica Blade -

Love Is ...

Love is the greatest feeling,
Love is like a play,
Love is what I feel for you,
Each and every day,
Love is like a smile,
Love is like a song,
Love is a great emotion,
That keeps us going strong,
I love you with my heart,
My body and my soul,
I love the way I keep loving,
Like a love I can't control,
So remember when your eyes meet mine,
I love you with all my heart,
And I have poured my entire soul into you,
Right from the very start.

- Meghan -

All the love that history knows,
is said to be in every rose.
Yet all that could be found in two,
is less than what I feel for you.

- Author Unknown -

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Post Series -- Day 9

Well I ended the series just shy of my goal. My final weigh in was 59.6 lbs. I felt so good, I was very excited and could tell a difference all around. Clothes are fitting loose, majority of the pain is gone, energy has increased. Now the worry and hard part is coming.

I have noticed alot of different things that have occurred with my body in this transformation. It seems I don't need the CPAP as much. If I fall asleep and take a nap without the machine on, I feel that I have rested semi normal and didn't snore, I wake up feeling refreshed. That alone, is a very good thing. I feel I can sleep for a short time and not worry about not waking up. CPAP is used to keep the airway open during sleep. So that is a good thing. I feel I can turn it down and still be able to get a refreshing sleep. Plus the new mattress my mother got me, new Serta pillowtop, helps as well. And as long as I don't sleep with several pillows under my head, my airway stays open alot easier.

My belts have all gone through a transition as well. I went from the 4th hole on my belts to having to make a new hole in each of my belts. I'm going to keep adding holes to 1 of them, and keep as a daily wearer and in a year I should be able to wrap the whole belt around myself twice. I am able to tuck in my shirts now and not feel that the shirts are stretched to unbelief.

My blood sugars have been very steady. I'm going to have to make a doctor appt w/ my doctor and see if I need to keep taking all the medications he has me on. It would be so nice to be able to get off the medications and the CPAP machine. My face sucker as everyone in the family calls it. There are some medications I'm sure I'll have to keep up on, my Vitamin D for my joint health, my B12 for heart health and my allergy pills.

I do have some disturbing news tho, I have gained about 7 lbs from when I was on the shots. I kinda haven't followed the diet like I should be. It goes on faster than when it goes off. It has scared me. I can't eat as much as I have been. I have cheated a lot and now have the know how of what I can do. I'm so scared of gaining my weight back. I have set a goal of losing 20 more lbs before I go back, weight of 380, which because of my weight gain, is now 27 lbs I have to lose. I will have to find some way to keep myself full so I don't want to keep eating. I have found some Benifiber packages that can be put in something liquid w/ 3 grams of fiber in it. I'm going to try to use them to keep me feeling full. Also, will probably get Alli for appetite suppression. Plus I'm going to have to hit the gym harder than I have been. But it is so hard going by myself and get the gumption to go. Once I'm there I do my 20 to 30 mins on the treadmill without any problems, it's just getting there that is the problem.

Some other bad news, my cousin Joann McCoy has passed away. It is good hearing that her suffering is gone. Her pain is alleviated. But sad to hear that she is not going to be around anymore. She was a very special lady. She will be missed at the yearly family reunions. But mom and I was able to pay her a good visit not to long ago and was able to have a fun time with her. Which was a special time for us both.

I spent the 4th of July at work. All the fireworks calls were a pain in the rear end. It happens every year. It's one thing that can be guaranteed. I missed going to a concert with my family, I hear they had a fun time, but I was very upset that I wasn't able to attend. I had planned on attending and was going to have a big BBQ for everyone in my family then go over to the concert, but I didn't project my schedule out far enough and ended up having to work. I could not find anyone to trade me, even though I have covered for others, no one seems to be able to pay me back. It was sort of a shock, oh well, the past is the past.

I am happy to say, Heather was accepted into the Western Governors University School of Teaching. She has begun the process of her becoming a Special Education Teacher. It was long overdue. She has been working for Deseret Industries for the past 2 years and will have to leave there and begin the next step in her life. I'm hoping she can get into the school work and get it done fairly quick. I have agreed to let her stay home and use the time she would of spent working a job, doing her homework and achieving her degree. I'm really hoping it will not take her long. Money will be tight, especially now that we are paying more for rent and our bills have gone up. But we should be able to squeak by with what I'm making. We will have money saved up which will help, and "extra money" from her school loans and grants that will give us some breathing room. Once she can get her Special Ed certification she will be able to write her own "ticket". She can walk into any school district in this state and be able to walk out with a position. Plus I have found information on grants and loan forgiveness programs if she teaches in the rural part of the state for 4 years, she can get even more money to help with college expenses.

I have as well begun the process of going back to school. Mine is going to be a little harder to get into. I'm going to be going to WGU as well, but going for my teaching certificate for a science teacher. Because I have withdrawn in the past and looking at re-enrolling, I have a few more steps that I have to go through to gain re-admittance into the school. And have changed majors. But I have begun the process and hope to keep it up. Although it is not what I would care to do as a career, with my current work schedule it will give me something to shoot for in life. Something I can be proud of "when I grow up". I have always wanted to become a music teacher, but I figure get the education and the certification as a teacher then after my "teaching commitment" I can look at getting back into music and become a music teacher, which was my goal when I graduated high school.

Next week on the 21st is my birthday. 37 years old. Boy I am getting old. I have had the chance lately to look back at my life. I have had some very good opportunities in life. I have traveled. I have played my music for thousands of people, maybe hundreds of thousands. I have loved my life for the most part, I married my high school sweetheart. Have 6 wonderful kids, the joy of my life. I have had parents that were able to provide for me growing up and have given me chances that most kids were not able to do. I appreciate all that they have given me and the love and support they continue to give me. Memories and traditions that I've carried into my family. Traditions that mean alot to my children. They have provided me a stable and enjoyable life. I have grown into who I am because of my parents and my other family members, because I have a close family, both immediate and extended.

Next week is also one of my best friend's birthdays as well. My "bestie" as she calls it. Joey is a couple years behind me and have missed her friendship and support for 18 years, since we graduated high school. I never knew her birthday was so close to mine, but find it great to have such a close friend have a birthday almost right next to mine. Her birthday is on the 23rd. Happy birthday and I am glad we have found each other again. I thank you for all you for all you have done for me. Without you I am not sure I would of been able to make it through my new life process. We both have a goal and have exactly 1 year until we are both to reach our goals. The 5 mile run in Richfield. It will be a long road, but I hope one that will come quickly. I promise here, like I have promised you, I will be there running side by side with you.

This is one of my favorite songs by the famous group Metallica. It means so much to me and I thought I could put it here and dedicate to one that means so much to me. The song is called "Nothing Else Matters".

So close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say
and nothing else matters

trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

so close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
but I know

never opened myself this way
life is ours, we live it our way
all these words I don't just say

trust I seek and I find in you
every day for us something new
open mind for a different view
and nothing else matters

never cared for what they say
never cared for games they play
never cared for what they do
never cared for what they know
and I know

so close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
no nothing else matters