Day 29

Today I was pleasantly surprised that the scale read 45 lbs down. 11 more days to go, I still can reach my goal of 60 + lbs down. I would be so happy to reach 65, then I will be under 400 lbs for the first time in many many many years. That would make this whole process so much happier for me. Although what I have lost isn't anything to be ashamed at. It has definitely worked for me. I just worry during the "in between" phase.

After 11 days, I continue 3 days of the same diet as I am following now. Then I can add other foods to the diet for 3 weeks. I can drink milk, dairy products, other meats, more veggies and more fruit. I still have to pay close attention to the sugars and starches that I eat. For those 3 weeks, my body begins to metabolize to the new me and getting used to being a lot lighter than I am. Then for 3 weeks after I can eat anything and everything I want. This is where it begins to be very scary for me. This is the most scariest phase of my rotation, or series. I am scared of gaining any of the weight back. I will just have to watch what my portion sizes are and make sure I don't over do it. The couple times I have overeaten, I have felt a different. I have felt sick and can't believe that was a normal feeling for me. One thing I have learned is that I can't have much "extra" food to eat or I will tend to get very nauseated to the point I want to stick my finger down my throat to get it out. I learned real fast that I don't ever, EVER want to feel that again. I'm sure I will go back to eating my pizza, Chinese and other things I shouldn't eat, but would like to. The thing would be for me is portion size. Instead of having 5 or 6 pieces of pizza with several bread sticks and the marinara sauce and chase it down with 100 oz of MT Dew. I'll allow myself to eat 1 maybe 2 pieces of pizza with 1 bread stick and light on the sauce and drink Crystal Light or water.

I'm sure I'll have sodas, but it WILL NOT allow myself to go hog wild like I have in the past. I've grown to love water, Crystal Light and coffee. I haven't even been tempted to grab any of the sodas that I have had in my house. I still allowed others to have them around me and was not even tempted to have a swallow, because I know if I did that, that would be all it took. I would be back drinking 200 oz or more each day. Instead I plan on replacing that with water and or Crystal Light like I do currently.

My worst craving is Chinese food. I don't think this is because I need the Chinese food, but out of habit. I'm used to having Chinese food at least once a week. It was the only food I wasn't able to eat before I went on this diet. I did have Chinese one night. I broke down because I could not get the craving to leave me. I had a small ala carte order of Mandarin chicken with the Mandarin sauce. It tasted so delicious, but because of the fat in the chicken, it sure made me sick. It was the one and only time I did that. But I did find out, that Mandarin sauce is not that bad and I can subtract the calories out of my diet totals and be able to have that once in a while and sprinkle my chicken breast with it.

I have a real problem with dry meat. It was the hardest first 3 weeks because I really can't stand having dry meat. I tried a lot of things. I used to put this salad dressing on it that I can have that is 0 fat, 0 cals. It worked for a few weeks. But in the end, it didn't really taste good on the meat, but tasted heavenly on lettuce and cucumbers that I would eat. I found that the Walmart brand of A-1 sauce has 0 fat and only 5 cals for each tablespoon. I would sprinkle a tablespoon on each piece of meat to give me the flavor and to take care of the dry feeling of the meat.

I've gone to the movies a couple of times while on the diet. I did good I think. I had ice tea to drink with a few pieces of licorice (fat free) and a few handfuls of popcorn. Normally I would eat a full box of licorice, and want more, and close to a full large tub of buttered and flavored popcorn. That little bit I ate was very sufficient for my taste. And still made the movies enjoyable.

Overall, this first 30 days has been very easy for me. For the most part, I haven't felt to hungry after the first couple of days and have dealt with the different cravings as they came. I'd say for 90% of the cravings I have been able to talk myself out of them or used gum/Crystal Light to take care of them. But for those real hard cravings, I allowed myself to have very little to take away the cravings.

I have been dealing with some major back pain this past week. It's not because of the weight issue, it was because of either a kink from sleeping or as the doctor said, gout can manifest itself. I possibly have developed back gout, which isn't uncommon. I am on medication for my gout in my feet/toes but for some reason it might of just developed in my back. It has made my week sort of hard, but the past couple of days I've taken my indosine which is basically a very strong pain reliever. I'll have the doctor check my uric levels again and rule out the back gout or just hard kink from sleeping. I believe it is the later because the spine feels out of alignment, but can't be to sure.

I would love to finish out this post for today with one of my favorite songs I heard on the radio earlier tonight. Reo Speedwagon sings it. It's is called Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore. It is dedicated to one of my biggest supporters. Thanks for all you do for me.

I cant fight this feeling any longer
And yet Im still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I cant hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when were together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear

And even as I wander
Im keeping you in sight
Youre a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winters night
And Im getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
Its time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

Cause I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I cant fight this feeling anymore

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
Ive been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that Im following you, girl
Cause you take me to the places that alone Id never find

And even as I wander Im keeping you in sight
Youre a candle in the window on a cold, dark winters night
And Im getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
Its time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

Cause I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crushing through your door
Baby, I cant fight this feeling anymore.

Day 21 - The Doctor Visit

Today I went into my 3 week weight loss check up with the doctor. The doctor came in and I literally had to pick up his jaw when I told him my weight loss. I told him 37.8 lbs and he gasped. 37.8 lbs is not much less than what his "normal" weight loss patients report to him AFTER a series is over. Today is the half way mark. He told me I will be his biggest weight loss of any of his patients. I was really hoping for the 40 lb mark, but am totally happy with what I have done so far. 37.8 lbs is nothing to shake a stick at.

The doctor then asked me if I had any questions, which I didn't. He then took my measurements. Total of around 12 inches lost all over my body. 4 inches around my chest. 2 inches around my waist. 4 inches around my hips. 1 1/4 inches from each of my arms and 1/2 inch from my thighs. The first time the doctor took my measurements, he had a hard time wrapping his arms around to get my chest measurement. This time he had no problems getting around my chest.

The doctor has increased my dosage. I'm not sure why but I'll be glad for it, that should help with more weight loss. I should be able to help even more. I am hopping for a total loss of 65+ lbs for the whole series.

I did a lot of reading up and checking out this program before I even started, yet I went there as a skeptic. I did it to say I did it and to prove that it didn't work. Boy was I wrong. This thing worked better than I had ever believed it would. In the beginning I was only hoping for Jen's results, 25 lbs lost and total of 15 inches. My clothes all fit big. My back pain is almost non-existent. My knee pain is manageable. I have more energy than I have had in years. I had to tighten up my belt by 2 notches in order to keep my pants on, which I'm sure the public is glad of.

I've had some major cravings over the past 3 weeks, but I don't think it was because of actually wanting the items, but out of habit of getting those items and eating them until I was sick. The couple of times I have eaten things that I shouldn't of, I felt sick to my stomach. Hoping I would just throw up and get it out of my body. 3 weeks ago, that would be my normal feeling. I would eat and eat and eat until I couldn't eat any more, then I'd eat some more. I can't believe I lived like that for so many years. I have learned good portion sizes. What I should and shouldn't eat. No cravings for soda. Very little cravings for sweets. No cravings for chips or anything like that. People can eat those things right in front of me and I would not even want to eat any.

For once in my life, I feel that I have my life back. I have so many plans on what I want to do. I want to hike all the trails at Capital Reef. I want to run races. I have plans on running a 5k with my best friend down in Richfield, Utah next year. I want to run (not walk) the local different 5k races. I want to become a motivational speaker for obese patients. An advocate for the obese and the legislation. And I have even thought of becoming a personal trainer.

There is so much going through my head during this process. There are areas of my life that need to change. For the longest time I have not been happy, I have used food as comfort. I have never faced my 'demons' until now. Until I began this blog. Until this blog, I never realized what I wanted. I know what, for the most part, I want and need in my life. Now just trying to find that "process" is my next battle. But either way, what ever happens in my personal life, I know I gave it my all. No matter what happens, this weight loss journey will never stop. Will never stop until I reach my goal and beyond.

Eyebrows & Makeup

My 11 year old daughter found 3 long eyebrow hairs. She said she had to pluck them. As she plucked them, she kept finding more and more, I was like what the heck, they multiply as she plucks them. She told me one was even gray, I was like, get that one out. I'm to young to have gray hair. So after she plucked 5 and still never got the gray one out, my eyebrow felt like it was on fire. How do women do this on a daily basis?? Yes I know I need to man up and take it.

Earlier, my oldest said she has to hog tie me down and put make up on me again. She attacked me a few months ago and man I looked like a clown, yes Marty I said a clown. Not counting when I was a professional clown. I told her not on your life. She still has proof and threatens to put them online. I said no you won't I have more embarassing pictures of her. Like when she was in the tub and took a bath with Elijah. We threatened her that we was going to put that picture in her yearbook, but never did.

Man I'm such a good dad!!!

Technology Sucks (According to My Mom)

My mom lost her cell phone earlier today. Trying to explain technology to her gets both of us upset and quite frustrated. She acts like I don't know what I am saying and I get upset and mad because she doesn't understand it. I know she believes me, but she reacts to the situation. She later appologized to me, so all is good.

The phone is in their house somewhere because there has been no activity on it. I'd like to think that if someone found the phone, they would turn it in, but I know what people really do. If someone did turn in the phone, I appologize, for what I said. But all of us know what does happen. That is reality. The phone company still suspended her phone until we can get her a new SIM card for the last phone I had. She still had a 1,001 questions about it.

We went down to the local T-Mobile store, I got her a another SIM card, and they were gracious and called customer service and activated that SIM card, so now she has a phone again. She needs the basic phone, one where she can text and make phone calls, but they don't make phones like that anymore. So she needs to learn to live with technology and learn to grow with it.

Computers and anything with the computer scares her. She is so afraid, I have spent hours and hours at their house working through the issues with her. I don't mind it, I love being able to work on computers. She has got so many viruses and bugs and everything, that I basically shut her out of her computer and made it so she couldn't download anything to her computer. This last time, even I had a hard time getting everything off so I had to to take it someplace and have another buddy take care of it, because it was that infected, I couldn't do nothing with it. So far so good, it worked out and she hasn't really called me for any major computer problems like she did before.

The other day her internet worked sporadically. It would come and go, but everytime I tried to do anything it worked perfectly. Finally I told her, when I was home of course, just take the power cord, unplug it and then plug it back in. Easy job. But she was scared to death to do it. I wasn't able to go over and do it for a couple of days so I asked Jeff to just unplug it and plug it back in and since then, no problems.

I love my mom. She is my best friend, but can be so frustrating. But technology is not her friend at all.

Love, Friends & Everything In Between

Love is a very interesting thing. Love, sometimes, is overrated. Much of my past experiences with love has been met with great heartache and disappointment. But coming from a romantic at heart, love will always be something I am part of. I often think with my heart, instead of my mind. My heart and mind battle constantly every day. I don't think there is a decision I make that I haven't thought of a thousand times, or felt with my heart. Many of the decisions, are very hard for me.



There used to be a standing joke in my family, if you ever cared to see the city of Tooele, let me show you where all my girlfriends lived. And if you counted all my "girlfriends" or "friends that was girls" that isn't far from the truth. I had "girlfriends" that stretched into the whole county. But only 3 really captured my heart.



My "first love", we were together for some time. We are now just acquaintances, but yes my heart does still do flip flops when I see her. I'm not sure if it's just because I seen her or if it's because I truly have feelings for her. She ended up getting with the biggest jerk and totally inappropriate for her. They ended up in a divorce. But not before they ended up having kids. But was put in a tough situation. In the end, the one thing I miss about her is that at Christmas time she made the best divinity candy.



My second, ended up getting married. Long story short, 6 kids later, we've been married for 16 years. Our oldest daughter graduated high school this year and is beginning her life in woman hood. Our next 2 oldest were born twins, but unfortunately we lost one. Born 3 months premature we were lucky to have one survive. That was little over 14 years ago. Our next 2 girls, born almost exactly 2 years apart, the first being born the night of Princess Di's tragic death and the next coming just a few days shy of 2 years. Then the baby, full of spunk and vinegar, is always a constant side show. He's our joker. The one you can't stay mad at to long. He makes everyone smile just being in his presence. He's going to be the one that will follow in daddy's footsteps and have all the girlfriends. No one can escape his charm, even at 7 years old.



Our life as a couple has not been as exciting or secure as it should of been. We were never friends with money and live a constant battles trying to please everyone. Fortunately we will probably never become intimate with money. Depression, health issues and constant debt has been our "friends". Not much of a exciting life, but one we have to deal with nonetheless.



The next one I'll call "The One That Got Away". We all have them. The one that sort of knew how I felt, but I was either to shy, nervous or something to never pursue it further. The one, that I keep telling her, that has grown from this cutie pie into a beautiful woman. Perfect in every way. She has became one of my deepest and closest friends. I don't have many and this means more to me than anything else. She is my closest confidante. It's funny what can happen after 18 years of no contact. I'm glad we found each other again. I look forward to what the next 18 years will bring.

Everyone else that I thought I "loved" ended up either trying to kill themselves while they were dating me, went to the other side (lesbian), totally disappeared, and even had a couple of imaginary girlfriends that were jokes that people played on me. Each had their uniqueness and their quirks. Growing up, I realized what I wanted in a mate. Each one had done their part, allowing me to grow and mature. To where I am now. Sometimes I wonder, if life, and love, is to be this painful and hard, but then I think of those who say they have never loved before. They are missing their lives. I feel sad for them, because I would of , "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all. Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart. Love makes life so confusing, but without lovewould you really want to live?

"Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion." - Mirabeau

"When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out." - Elizabeth Bowen

"Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it'scalled falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall. " - Unknown

"I believe that to truly Love, is the ultimateexpression of the will to live. A heart thattruly loves is forever young." - Unknown

"We come to love not by finding a perfect person,but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." - Unknown

"Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says 'For the woman I love' and the second, 'For my best friend.' " - Unknown

"Maybe God put a few bad people in your life,so when the right one came along you'd be thankful. " - Andrea Kiefer

"It doesn't take a reason to love someone,but it does to like someone. You don't lovesomeone because you want to, you love someonebecause you are destined too. It's because youfall in Love with them, that you then try tofind a reason, but you always come up withthe answer, No reason!"

Day 13 --Getting Easier

Days 5 through 13 have brought some ups and downs in this diet. Throughout those days have lost a total of 26 lbs. I haven't felt hungry for the most part, sometimes forcing myself to eat just so I would have something in my stomach for the day. I find myself drinking more and more water as the day goes by. Averaging 6+ liters a day. That in turn flushes out the kidneys and takes all the toxins away. I feel better, my back pain has, for the most part, disappeared. Knee pain is not as bad. Breathing is a lot easier and not as heavy. Clothes are getting big. My uniform shirts I've had to stretch out to get into, are now draping me. Belts go up a notch. It's easier to bend over to tie my shoes. Overall, I feel excellent. This diet works and is going to be a lifesaver.

I haven't started going back to the gym yet. The doctor wanted me to wait a couple of weeks just to make sure the HCG is in the body well and only wants me to limit my exercising to 20 mins a day cardio. Back to the treadmill I go. I will begin that on Monday morning at 6:30 am and get it over with early every day. The nights I work, I will just go to the gym on my way home then give my shot. I will do this 7 days a week. And I will watch the pounds melt off even faster.

I go see the doctor for my 3 week checkup, which is half way through the cycle, in 8 days. I'm 26 lbs down now, I would like to surprise the doctor with 40 lbs gone, which is the goal we set for the whole 40 days series. I would like to see 50 lbs gone for the whole 40 days, but would be even happier with more gone. If I lost that much weight in the 40 days, I will be at a weight I haven't seen in about 4 years.

I did cheat yesterday. I had less than 1/2 of a chicken enchilada. The grease, the cheese, the chicken, the tortilla, everything. Today, I feel it. I feel so nauseated & lethargic. I just want to put my finger down my throat to get rid of it. To purge my body of all those bad toxins again. What is sad, is that 14 days ago, this was a normal feeling for me. I would feel this way every single day. I have not had a soda in 10 days. I have not even missed them. I have replaced the sodas I would of drank with water or coffee. I don't even miss them. That is one thing I hope I can continue to stay away from.

I see my self esteem increasing. I find myself doing more than I would generally do. I'm more outgoing and willing to anything. When I reach my goal this series, I am going to do something for myself. I don't know what that will be yet, but I will reward myself for the "hard" work that I have done.

Hell Day -- Minus 4.3 lbs (Day 5)

4.3 lbs lost was the ending to Hell Day. In the end the slight discomfort I felt was well worth it. I got a good number and was happy to what I seen on the scale when I got home from work. I know that is not realistic to happen every day, but on the first day it proves that this diet does work.

I love telling people I know about this diet. I have told several people about it and if I can change just 1 person and get them to commit to this, it is well worth it. I want everyone and anyone that is willing to try this, dare to prove this wrong. Prove that it does not work. It was sort of my goal, to disprove this, but everything I have done proves to me this works.

The diet part is interesting. It makes me have to plan out meals. It's sort of a game trying to figure out what I can and can't eat. I'm trying some new balsamic vinegrette dressing tonight, was given to me by Jen, who is also doing this diet with me. She said it tastes good and it is alot better than just plain old lemon juice, which sad to say, I tried last night and I could not even take 1 bite of it without gagging. So that's a not an option for me.

Last night was hard with the hunger pains and being at work. I was given some gum and have crystal light and that did help. When I felt hungry I'd chew a piece of gum and guzzle some water and the feeling was taken away. Tonight at work, it hasn't been to bad so far. I will still be positive and I will do all in my power to make this a success.

Day 4 HCG ..Day 1 HELL!!!!

Today is day 4 of the HCG diet and begins the restricted part of the diet. 500 calories per day. Yikes, it's here and I'm scared about it. Today was fairly easy tho, until I get hungry then I want to munch on everything. I now have some gum to chew when the cravings hit, plus I have water and crystal lite. So far I have eaten 1 hamburger patty, 1/3 of a cucumber, 1 apple, 1 piece of gum and 1 packet of crystal light. I have drank about 5 liters of water and have 10 more hours to go of work. I've pissed like a race horse, effects of both the HCG and all the water.

The shots are getting easier for me to give myself. I don't know if I will fully get used to them, but they will get easier as time goes by. I'm hoping as the time goes by the hunger pains will subside. The gum has helped so far now that I have it.

So far I feel "different". I've noticed a different on how the clothes feel on me. I've had to the next hole on my belt, I have to use a belt otherwise my pants fall down. It's getting easier to bend over. I can tell something is different about me. It's hard to explain. I feel I am on my way. I believe I have made a good choice and look forward to when I can feel I am good looking.