Day 3...Final Pig Out

Day 3, final pig out day. I haven't been able to do as much as I have wanted with it my last "free" day. My allergies are going crazy. I don't know if I'm ready for the big step tomorrow. Tomorrow begins the 500 calorie day. For the next 40 days. I have been given a big incentive and I have been given a big promise, I am not going to screw up either one :o). I can't say what my incentive is, but my promise is in a year I'm going to run a 5K with my good friend Joey. By then I should of completed my HCG and be ready to take on the 5K with plenty of stride.

Today's shot was a little late again, but my skin almost didn't let me give it the shot. It was like it got it's own mind. It took me 3 tries to finally find a spot where the skin will let me give the shot. The needle is so thin and I have fairly tough skin, I have to find a different "soft spot" each day so I can give me the shot. So far I haven't been able to find any on the left thigh, I have had the first 3 shots in the right thigh. I don't want to push to hard on the needle because it can and will bend and I don't want to chance of having it break off in me. That would be a major problem. But tomorrow I have to switch so my right thigh doesn't get "sore" from the shots.

I have gained a little since yesterday, only 0.6 lbs but yesterday was a major pig out day. I ate everything and anything I could get my hands on. I'm surprised I lost weight since I started. Especially with what I have been eating. Do I regret doing this ?? Never, am I scared about it ? Yes but I have enough people who know about it that if they see me cheating or anything, they will kick my butt. Do I think I will cheat, not really, but it's still tempting. It's going to be very hard for me to remember I can't have sodas. I think that is going to be the hardest thing for me. But I will do this and I will accomplish everything.

2 Weeks up already?!?!?!?

Well 2 weeks were up yesterday. Day 1 of the HCG injections was less intrusive than I thought it would be. The shots themselves don't hurt, it's getting over the fact that I have to shove this piece of metal into my body. This is a new thing for me. Eventhough I was an EMT for 12 years, did CNA work for 4 and had a mom for a nurse for over 4o years, had to take Heather's own blood on more than one occassion because the nurses couldn't find a vein and do it properly, I HATE NEEDLES!!!! The doctor I went to, Dr. Dunkley, was a very nice person. He took the time to answer all my questions, he went the extra step to draw my blood, he just had wonderful bedside manners. I think I'm going to enjoy going to him.

Once it came time for me to give myself the injection, and once he found out that I have had medical training, he felt that he did not need to show me how to prepare the shot or inject myself. I placed the needle on the syringe, injected the needle into the HCG, drew out the appropriate 1.5 cc, then I sat there for 30 to 45 seconds with the needle barely touching my skin, then I thought "Why be a wuss?" and just pushed it in. Eventhough the needle itself was 2 1/2 inches long, it was so thin, that when I took it out, it didn't even bleed. It is so thin, the initial shock of giving yourself a shot is the worst part, I can't even feel it.

Day 1 was so exciting. The begining of this new journey for me. After the doctor appointment, we (Jeff, Jen and I) decided that we was going to go to Golden Corral to eat lunch. I had to be fasting for some blood work, and had been thinking of food the whole morning.

The first 3 days of the diet, we are to eat anything and everything, and then eat a little more. I'm not on the strict 500 calorie diet yet. That begins Monday.

I got home from Salt Lake around 1 pm and decided since I have been up for nearly 24 hours, I had best get some sleep since it was my anniversary and I wanted to do something with my wife of 16 years. About 3:30 pm I got a wake up call that dad is in the hospital with pulmonary emboli, blood clots in his lungs. I got up and dressed and rushed over to the hospital to give him a blessing and to make sure he is ok. I was there for a few hours and came home and Heather had to take the kids swimming for their reward for doing good in school. My time with Heather was gone. Scary situation, but I believe will end up being ok.

Day 2 of the HCG injections. I figured I'd give them about 6 am since that is the time I would be coming home from work. I need to give them about the same time each day. Well with not getting much sleep yesterday, I slept in past my alarm. I ended up giving my shot at 7 am and once again had that short little pause, before I could give myself the shot. Heather volunteered to do it for me, but I knew she wouldn't be able to. I have to man up and do it myself :o).

I have received so much support with this. I have been surprised by the amount of outpouring support by people that I never imagined. It has been a real eye opener for me. I will do this, I will be successful and I will be healthy in a very short time. I will be. NO MORE I HOPE. I WILL BE!!!!!

Night Before.....

The night before...before the change of my life. As I begin this process of loosing the weight, I tend to think about the struggles that lies ahead for me. I know this process won't be easy and it won't be quick. I have basically doubled my size since I got out of high school, that was 18 years ago. Tomorrow I face my worst fears, needles!!! I've been promised that they don't hurt, so they better not, or someone is gonna get it, just kidding Jen.

I look forward to this change, this change is a positive in my life. I hope it can be a positive change for other family members as well. My mom and dad both need to lose weight, mom is in worst shape than I am, and I fear she will be gone before she makes any changes. She has promised to make the changes needed and have the authorization to go do the gastric by pass and has promised me that she will now concentrate on getting it done ASAP now that dad has finished his surgery. Healthwise, she needs the bypass over the weight loss plan I am doing, and has the go ahead from all her doctors to proceed with it. She has a doctor in Reno waiting to do her surgery, but has to lose 10% of weight (25 to 35 lbs) before she can have it done to help with fat surrounding her organs. She gets upset when someone tries to help her. She eats junk food like it's going out of style. She will not throw food away, every last ounce either has to be eaten or taken home. She gets real testy when someone tries to help. Tries to convince her that every morsel of food does not have to be eaten, that it is ok to throw things away. Her fridge is always full of uneaten food, that tends to get bad and gets tossed anyways. Good majority of it comes to me and my family to eat.

I have posted on facebook my plans for tomorrow and have had an out pouring of support as well one that was saying I was crazy for doing this. I found out in such a short time tonight how many people other than family, are out there to support me. I have had people I work with come out to support, I've had people I very seldom knew come to support me and offer encouragement. It almost brought tears to my eyes tonight to read what people have said to me and on facebook. I have had several people come to me in private saying I'm an inspiration to them, I've become someone they look up to, people I haven't even seen or known since high school. So on this journey has begun in a positive step forward, and if I can influence 1 person to get better with themselves, then my goal of this blog has met it's goal.

Going "Back Home"

I am very excited to be going back home in 2 days. Back home meaning Wayne County, southern Utah. Wayne County means so much to me personally and with the family. Our family was called and set apart to settle the area by Brigham Young. And majority of the area is still part of the family. My family is burried there, meaning grandma, granddad, Uncle Byron and we even have our plots there.

Wayne County is such a magical place. The red rocks, the water, the people, all are absolutely beautiful. Small towns replace the big cities, things almost runs backwards there. Everything is closed by 6 pm. Couple movie theaters in all the communities. Everyone knows your name.

I remember one time when I was a teenager, we were down there for memorial day and was going to come home, when we went to the little store across the street from the hotel we always stayed at, the Hell's Angels motorcycle club rolled into town. My dad was on the police force here in Tooele, but had no jurisdiction in Wayne County, but the sheriff's dept knew we were in town and had one of the deputies talk to dad to ask us to hang around, just in case. My dad always carried his trusty 357 duty revolver with him where ever we went, when I seen him move it from the back of the truck to under the front seat, I knew something may go down. Luckily nothing happened and the Hell's Angels left the area.

I remember one time, Jeff went to Wayne County with us when we was in school. He got in trouble by mom when he climbed on this cabin in Capital Reef. One of the times he got the count from my mom. I think he even got the look so he got a double wammy.

Hopes and Fears

I have many hopes and fears in many aspects of my life. My life seems like it's on a constant whirlwind of many new and exciting things in the very near future. I hope with this new diet and weightloss plan I will be able to do it and give it my all. My all to make it successful and once and for all gain control over my weight problem. I'm not sure what my goal weight will be. I was thinking about what I ended high school at. That is still heavy for what I should be, but I thought I looked good then. I would be happy there. I've been very skinny and didn't think it looked good on me. I'm one that needs a little meat on me to make me look good.



Fears are many. This is a drastic step, but not as drastic as it could be. I've always wanted the gastric bypass and still would do it if it was offered to me, but since my insurance won't cover it, I won't be having it any time soon. I would rob a bank, but don't think I could do that. This will involved daily shots and a very low calorie diet of no sugars, no starches, no dairy, NO GOOD STUFF !! Alot of salads (with no dressing), 4 oz non-fatty meat for lunch and dinner, etc. Total can not exceed 500 calories. The diet/shots is known to make the body use up the fat stores quickly. I have known 3 people personally who have done this and have been able to keep it off and look good for it.

I hope that I look half as good as they do when my first series is done.

2 Weeks....

2 weeks from today, May 29th, I will begin my journey. I begin the HCG shots on my anniversary. It is my anniversary gift to myself. Begining of a healthier me. I am anxious about it and scared. There is alot of questions in my mind about the whole thing, but I am going to go into it full throttle and give it 100%. Like I've said, this is my last ditch effort. That day is the begining of my new life. New healthier life. I've neglected myself way to long. I'm tired of feeling sick and tired. I'm tired of making excuses.

I'm axiously waiting for my special ordered weight scale. It should be here sometime today. I'm afraid to climb on there tomorrow and see how much my begining weight is going to be. I'm afraid of the number that is going to pop up. I'm very scared and will prob cry about it. This is a very emotional time for me. My weight is very scary to me.

I'm going to Wayne County next week and want to be able to do some of the hikes. Not sure if I'm going to be able to. Espicially if my back hurts like it did today. I was out shopping and because my back was kinked last night sleeping it was very hard for me walking around the stores I had to go to. By the time I was able to rest it, my back was so sore, it was taking my breath away. I had to take 3 Doans Back Relief to get it feeling better. I'm looking forward to that part of my illness gone, I hope. If I'm in back pain, it keeps me from doing so many things.

Late Nights....

I sit here at work thinking about life almost every night. Life has dealt me such a rough hand. I've had to bury many loved ones, including a son. I've had major financial problems, marital problems, depression, dealing with what ifs and if nots. I have some major health issues, due to choices I've made over the years. I sometimes feel unworthy of any happiness because anything I've found that made me happy, I've had to fight for. I don't say this to say my life is harder than anyone else's, but to sort of explain reasons why I've made some choices I've made.

Amanda was born August 30, 1997, the day Princes Diana died. Heather and I watched the whole thing transpired while the labor increased. Many people thought we should of named her Diana after Princess Diana, but we didn't, we kept our plans. Her middle name is Clarice, after Heather's grandmother's name. Heather had no problems that I can remember with this pregnancy that I can remember, our first and "normal" delivery. Amanda was born in LDS Hospital in Salt Lake Utah. For the most part, was a wonderful experience. Amanda was normal in every way possible. No major medical issues at birth, no extra days spent in any medical units. A blessing that we didn't have to go through that again.

Shelley was born August 19, 1999 in the old hospital in Tooele. The first of our brood to be born here in Tooele. She was also a normal delivery. Only issue during the pregnancy was that Heather developed gestational diabetes. Having dealt with diabetes all my life, I knew how to take care of her. Luckily, all she had to do was control it by diet. Once again, no major medical problems associated with her birth.

Randall on the other hand, born July 5th, 2001 he was born a little early. He developed breathing problems and was transferred into Primary Children's Hospital, right back to NICU we went. The transfer was completed and we found ourselves in the same room we spent so many of the days Elijah was there. Once the nursing staff found that out, we were moved to another room. Randall only spent 2 or 3 weeks in NICU, much better experience than being there for 81 days and loosing a son on our last "visit". Once again, all the staff there was awesome. They know their stuff. Randall wasn't as in dire straights as Elijah was so it was a much easier time for us there. Since then, no major medical issues has come about. Just like Elijah, when ever he gets a cold it tends to settle in his lungs more than any of the other kids.

We've never really had much money. We probably spend it as fast as it comes in. It seems like there is always someone trying to get their hands on our money, we haven't been able to save to much, but we still try to make do and keep everyone happy. My kids don't have the best of clothes, girls get their hair cuts by Heather, boys get buzzed. They have second hand clothes, but each one has their own style.

Mindee is like a tom boy, dressing in jeans and tee shirts. Doesn't get into skirts unless it's for something dressy or church and is quick to change when she can. Elijah likes to wear work out clothes, he is proud to be lifting weights to build up his body, but loves to dress up when he can and when he goes to church. Amanda is definitely a girly girl. She loves the dresses and dressing nice and loves that she is becoming a young woman. Shelley likes to dress up too, but can down play anything she wears and would be just as happy running and jumping in the mud. Randall, is still trying to come to his own, but is very sad that his favorite jacket was stolen at school. He had a Levi jacket that had Harry Potter's Grippedorf Owl on the back of it. Someone took it right from school.

Mindee is into Fox racing, Elijah is into WWE wrestling, Amanda is into boys and Jonas Brothers, Shelley loves Orlando Bloom and Randall loves Dora the Explorer.

As the kids grow, it's fun watching them all sprout into their own thing. It'll be sad to see Mindee move out on her own when she graduates this summer. By then she will have a good job and can afford to do it on her own, plus she has plenty of friends that will help out and move in together. Like all kids, they can't wait for the day when they can get out on their own and spread their wings, it'll be hard for me to let her do that. But in the end I must, I count the days when I can say good bye to Randall, and have an empty nest, then I can be able to do some things I've put off doing (11 years LOL).

Mental Health Day

I decided I needed a mental health day tomorrow from work. Every once in a while I feel I need to get a day to be by myself and to break up the turmoil of work, sleep, work, sleep, and more sleep. Not that I work many days, 12 hour shifts, gives me about a half of the month off, but I tend to need more. I used to not take days off that often, but the last couple of years, I have been told that I need to take more time off and more time for myself and family. Last year I used over 200 hours time off, and that barely brought me under the limit of the hours I could carry over. With the 12 hour shifts and the time off I only worked approx 165 days last year. That leaves 200 days, with not much to show for it.

This year I am really trying to hold back and not use that much time. I was told once again a while ago, that I need to take time for myself. People are worried that I'm not away from the office to much and afraid that I'm either going to quit or get burned out. 6 months ago, I'd say I was near my ending point, where I thought about quitting and going to school full time, but would leave my family in dire straights and unable to survive. I've put in applications in so many places and have passed up on some pretty terrific jobs, but I don't want to go back to the bottom of the totem pole. Honestly I love my job, I don't see myself doing anything else and have made peace about staying where I'm at. But I know I need to take time for myself. I need to leave this place every so often and not worry about things as much as I do.

We can carry 320 hours of PTO to the following year. I usually tend to keep it around that, but last year I got down to 290ish. That's the lowest I like it to get to. It is my insurance, if anything ever happened to me or my family, I have enough hours built up to survive financially. I have 360 hours now PTO plus about 600+ hours of sick time. I have enough built up I could leave for 6 months and still come back with some time saved up.

Iraq

Jason is on TDY over in Iraq right now. He has been for the past several months. He is scheduled to be home on May 21st. The family is anxiously anticipating him coming home. He has been able to make alot of money while working over there, but is greatly missed.

Yesterday when the soldier was at the counseling center, he shot and killed 5 service members, come to find out, Jason was there 5 to 10 mins before it happened. I'm glad nothing happened to him but feel sorry for the family members of the service members who lost a loved one. I feel sorry for the service member who felt there was no way out and could not deal properly with his PTSD.

It takes much effort for someone to get help. My dad served 4 tours in Vietnam during the Vietnam war. He volunteered for a 5th tour, but was told he would have to stay at a desk, and he decided against that. He was stationed with the US Navy Seals, but wasn't a seal. He was a helicopter gunner and seen a lot. I can't even imagine what he had to go through or do. War changes people. And it changed my dad.

He had PTSD since he returned to the states, but never was treated. He began treatement just a few short years ago. He takes "happy pills" which makes him even goofier than what he normally is. I'm just glad he's finally getting the help that he deserves. Because of his PTSD, he was given a 100% disability from the VA and social security. He makes so much money just being able to sit on his butt, that it's not even funny. Maybe all these years when he said he is crazy, he really was :o).

Early Mornings........SUCK!!!

I hate early mornings. What's worse is when I wake up and can't get back to sleep. Not only does it screw up the rest of the day because I'm so groggy, it makes me grumpy when I don't want to be. I can't say if it was just 1 thing that woke me up this morning. Maybe a combination of several things. I do not need to be up this early, but I am anyways.

Last night I went to bed at 1 am after watching Paranormal State. That is one show that I feel I have to watch. I claim it training material. I now belong to a paranormal group starting in the Tooele area. It's based out of Logan Utah but one of the founding members lives here in T-town now. There is just 4 of us now. We base our judgements on scientific evidence. We don't do any seances, or ouijiah boards or anything that can open a portal that we can't close. We have only had 1 group hunt. The old Tooele Hospital.

The hospital was an awesome experience. It was my first true ghost hunt, eventhough I have had numerous experiences before. I got some very interesting electronic voice phenomenon (EVP). I have had 2 different spots where babies can be heard crying. Interesting experiences where the different meters went off without any explaination. Tugging on hair, sick feelings, etc. Only problem doing it at the hospital this time was that there was a very very large group there. We will be going back on our own very shortly. We should be able to get better evidence then.

At the hospital we was in the old nursing station/billing department with another ghost hunter that had dowsing rods. My sister who was with us, asked a lot of questions to this little girl who keeps looking for her mommy. This isn't the first time she has had an experience with this same girl. A few years back, when she was in charge of the Haunted Hospital, one night there was a little girl who asked her to help her find her mommy, wearing a white dress and blonde hair, Misty went to help the little girl find her mom, she was there one second and the next when she looked down where the girl was, she was gone. During the dowsing rods, this little girl confirmed it was her again.

I used to work at the old hospital, so I experienced first hand the paranormal activity. I seen shadow people, heard voices, seen object move on their own, and have been scared out of my mind on more than 1 occassion. This was before I was into ghost hunting. Unfortunately we were not able to go into what I call the hot spots, where I seen these things, but still if given the chance anyone should go do it. It is well worth it, and you will find some very interesting things. You will find out if you can handle being scared.

Worst Fear.....

Tonight I watched a movie about breast cancer. The movie was called Living Proof . It is about this doctor who was fighting one of the "Big Box" drug companies to conduct clinical trials of this cure for specific form of breast cancer. 12 years and 2 prior clinical trials later, the final phase was started.

This reminds me of my own possibilities. The possibility of me getting cancer is very possible. My mother had cancer, my brother had a rare form of cancer, both sets of my grandparents have had cancer. My brother had rabdomyosarcoma. Very rare form of cancer that is only in young kids. He was 5 years old, had a grapefruit sized tumor surrounding his lower spinal cord. It pinched nerves affecting his legs, and that is how it was located. How our lives changed.

We was in Reno visiting family when Jason started having pains in his legs. I remember it to this day. We was at Aunt Uvonne's house when Jason was experiencing these major pains, he refused to walk or do anything with his legs. Mom and dad took him to a hospital in Reno. It was there where the tumor, or growth at that time, was located. I remember when they returned we rushed to get out of Aunt Uvonne's house and back home, so Jason can go to Primary Children's Hospital. I'm not sure if it was the day after we returned or longer, but I remember I was dropped off at grandma and granddad's house when they got a phone call from mom that Jason had cancer. Granddad was so upset he hit his toe on their old coffee table. It was the only time that I heard granddad cuss.

I was then rushed to mom's friend Rosanne Crane, where I spent a couple of days with them and their family. Where my battle with food as a comfort began. I seldom slept that first few days not knowing what was happening with my brother and best friend. When food became my best friend.

I am happy to say that after 3 surgeries, 27 radiation treatments and 2 1/2 years of chemotherapy, Jason survived. Currently he is the only child with rabdomysarcoma to ever survive into adult hood. He has had medical books written on his survival and has had the chance to be studied by many doctors. Although he has had a few scares where they thought his cancer has returned, every test ended up the same way, free and clear of cancer.

This is one thing I worry about. I don't know what would happen if I was diagnosed with cancer. As I said cancer runs heavily in my family. Any and all of my family has a greater chance of getting cancer because one sibling had cancer. My mom is what they call a down winder and lived 30 miles from where the government conducted nuclear trials in the 1950's in Nevada. Mom tells stories where they were given instructions to build dugouts under their houses to survive during the nuclear tests but was never given instructions on when to use them. Mom says they sat out on the front porch of their house in Caliente Nevada watching mushroom clouds form and dissipate and lived during the fall out, amazed that it's "snowing" during the summer in the desert of Nevada. With this, this is the one reason why I'm afraid of cancer. And because of it, it is one of constant worry in the back of my mind. I worry for myself as well as my kids. I may not have cancer but I very well likely be a carrier and could pass it on to anyone of my kids.

HCG

Some may think that I'm taking a radical approach to my weight loss. I have chosen to try the "new" HCG weight loss plan. It has a very strict approach and it is very expensive. But I figure I have to do something to get myself healthy. It involves a daily shot of this hormone called HCG, basically hormone from the placenta of pregnant women. 40 days of shots in a series with 20 days of no shots, and a very strict diet, no more than 500 calories in a day and no pop, dairy, sugar or heavy starches. The cost for the 60 day plan is $600.

This is something I can't really afford, but have agreement from family and will do what it takes to have the money needed. They guarantee minimum of 1/2 lb loss to 1 lb loss per day. I know 2 people who are on the plan, and have lost an extreme amount of weight. Not all weight either. They both have lost a major amount of inches on their body. Both lost at least 5 inches around the waist alone. And have kept it off during their days off the shots. If I do that good, I will be in size of clothes I haven't been in for 5 years. That in itself will allow me to buy clothes off the rack again at walmart. I will go down 3 sizes in little over a month. Guys tend to loose more because of the hormones involved.

This will take a major lifestyle change from me. The hardest thing for me would be boredom from what I can eat. A lot of salads, 4 oz of protein, a lot of water, everything added up and never above 500 calories. 1 oz over 500 calories can render that day's loss useless. And pound for pound, I need all I the 1 lbs per day I can. It will take me at least 5 series I believe. About a year's time. Maybe less if I can do some major working out at the gym. I was told I couldn't do a lot of heavy workouts, but some cardio each day will do wonders. I did good for a month but due to the stress of moving I stopped going to the gym. I used that as an excuse. I pass by the gym several times a day, and it's paid for. I don't go. I need someone to push me to go. Each and every day, at least for 20 mins to 30 mins instead of watching TV. Or walk around the mobile home park I live in.

All in all, I'm looking forward begining this new aspect of my life within the next 3 weeks, after I get home from vacation. I wasn't going to try to do it while I was on vacation. I will have 2 partners in this. I have Jen and Wayne. They are the 2 I talked about earlier. Jen and I will be going to the same doctor, and Wayne goes to another doctor but gets the same results.

Aches and Pain

Every morning I wake up, or I should say every time I wake up (since I work graveyard shifts), I wake up with aches and pain. Much of my physical pain is due to a bad mattress. I have normal aches and pains, that's another bad effect of being obese. But some days I just wake up and wish I had some pain meds to take away the pain in my back and my knees. Today is one of those days.

I did not want to get up out of bed, but due to the pain I have to get up and moving so the pain can be eased somewhat. I take Doans back pain relief on the days that moving doesn't help or hinders it. If I take 2 or 3 of them, my pain usually goes away for the most part, but then again, I hate taking pills. I already have to take alot of pills because of all my medical problems. Metformin for my metabolic syndrome, cholesterol meds, 2 different meds for my gout, flonase for my allergies, eye drops for my allergies, claritin for my allergies, high dose of vitamin D for bone health and pain, vitamin B-12 for general health, and a few others I can't remember right now. I'm like a walking pharmacy. And lately I've had to take 1600 mg of Ibuprophen to deal with headaches that I have been having. On top of that I have to take metamucil because my colon is "relaxed" and need the extra fiber to push things along. I've been doing all this for several years now.

I also have a major case of sleep apnea. If I don't sleep with it (like for naps or if I fall asleep while watching TV like I did last night), I tend to stop breathing and snore heavily. It's is called my face sucker by my friends and family. I have to be hooked up to this machine every time I go to bed to keep me breathing. It forces air into my nose to keep my airway open. I can't imagine having to sleep without it and it is amazing that I did so for so long. I've had this for about 7 or 8 years now. When I had my initial sleep study I stopped breathing 43 times in an hour's time. I feel better when I have it on, I do sleep better at night and everything, but tend to wake up several times a night when I shift and it shifts off a little, I can tell a difference and I wake up and move it to where it needs to be.

I remember before I had it, I could fall asleep at any time, including mid-sentance, wake up 30 to 45 seconds later and continue where I left off. People used to think it was quite interesting. I thought for a while I had narcolepsy and was afraid of driving great distances. I had fallen asleep at the wheel a couple of times, luckily never caused an accident, but it scared me enough. Part of the reason why I stayed smoking as long as I had. Give me something to keep awake and the fresh air did me good. My family hates to ride w/ me because I tend to, even now, keep the window down a little bit to let air in and to keep my mind occupied by the noise from the window.

I have been told by several people that I'm an inspiration to them because of these posts. I have never imagined myself as a "blogger" but now I can't stop of thinking of things to say. I never imagined that I can be called an inspiration. I have begun this blog as a way for me to work out my "demons" and begin healing. Obesity is a disease and I wished that insurance companies see it that way, just like any disease. I know what caused my obesity and that obesity has complicated my life even more. It really hinders what I can do. I can't go out and throw the ball with my kids, I can't walk down long roads, I can't go hiking like I loved to do when I was in boy scouts. My kids are suffering because of that.

I have to schedule events around what I feel I can do that day. When I feel I can do certain things, like a slow walk down a path, I have to stop every so often to catch my breath. My favorite places I can't really do anything because it takes hiking. Capital Reef I love to go there. For #1 my family settled the area and #2 I love to hike the trails. The last 2 times we were there I stayed in the suburban while the kids and Heather went and walked the trails. This year will be the last I do that. Next year when we go down, I will hike the trails and have fun with my family doing it. I don't want my weight to be a crutch in my life and I definately don't want it to be a crutch in their life any longer.

We will be going to Wayne County in 2 weeks and I can't wait. I plan on doing a couple of easy hikes but nothing like I used to do. I plan on doing the small hike to Chimney Rock and part of the Grand Wash where all the signatures are. Those 2 I try to do every time we go down there. They are easy and I can get some exercise while I'm doing it. I will have the rest of my family there with me as well as my best friend Jeff and his family. It should be a fun weekend getaway.

The Dream Dream

Last night I had a dream about Uncle Byron. Uncle Byron was someone I looked up to very much. He was an awesome guy. He was one of those guys who would give the shirt off of his back if he knew it would help you and protect you. He is the one that I learned from. He was an awesome person. He cared about his family more than anyone else I knew.

Uncle Byron looked and idolized Willie Nelson. He was in several bands through out his life. He played and sang mostly country songs but was one that he could do what ever he wanted. He didn't ever have a lot of money or worldly possessions but he had a spirit about him, everyone that he met, always ended up being a friend. He had friends and acquaintances all over the nation. I've had the opportunity to be with him many times on trips and coast to coast excursions. It seems like there wasn't a place we went to that he didn't know someone or met someone who knew him. Mainly through his musical abilities, but mainly just because he was just him.

Last nights dream was a simple dream, in comparison to my dreams. He was at our new place, came in to see it, brought me 2 boxes of stuff I don't know what was in those boxes, it didn't get that far in the dream. I seen him and ran into his arms and got the biggest hug from him I had ever received. It felt so real. I still feel his arms around me. It was that real of a dream. He still had his long hair, in a braided pony tail. Had his brown plaid western shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a old ratty pair of denim jeans and his cowboy boots. All he said and had to say was, "Hi Richie, I've missed you". I cried on his shoulder and after about 45 seconds of us holding each other, I woke up. Wishing I could get back to the dream I went right back to bed, but was unable to get back to the dream.

I miss him terribly. Next to grandma Maxfield, he is the one that I miss the most. He died while living and working in Reno, Nevada. He was living with his sister in a camp trailer in their driveway. He passed away April 15th, 1996. Aunt Uvonne found him when she went out to ask him if he wanted something for breakfast. She found him sitting on the floor of the trailer propped up against the ice box. He was so strong and was the world to me.

He was not one that lived the way he should of. He lived the rock and roll lifestyle and lived his life accordingly. He smoke, he drank and sometimes I found out he did other things. This did not ever take away the way I looked at him or seen it as a problem because he never shunned any of us family and was very loving towards me. I didn't know any of this stuff until his passing. He and the family kept it hidden from me for a long time. I guess they were worried that I might of followed him in all his life.

When we was married, Uncle Byron was into etching on glass. He etched us 2 wine flutes for our reception. It was a simple design, 2 wedding bells and a dove, but it was very awesome to have him do this for us. Although 1 of the glass handle broke, we still have both pieces. One of the few things I have that was his. The other thing is a 1964 Fender Mustang Guitar. He hawked it shortly before his death and I purchased it from the pawn shop. It is my most prized possession. I will never sell that guitar or get rid of it. It will be with me as long as I live. Just like all the memories I have of him. He was my uncle, my confidante and my best friend. I miss you!!!!!

Day 2....Healing Continues

It's amazing how getting feelings out gives you a new look on life. That is this blog's purpose. I can see this as a way of healing and getting back the life I've lost so long ago.

I have held it together for so long, I have neglected me. I have forgot who I am or who I want to become. I had dreams, I had aspirations, I have had plans. I made the choices which have killed those plans. Do I regret those choices?? Depends on how you look at it. Majority of the things are just dreams. Some are soul saving that I won't be able to do for several more years. I guess reason why I always reflect back to those is because there was so many that was injured because of my choices. Mainly my family, Heather and Mindee, had to suffer because of those choices the most.

I have let myself get out of control. My weight has ballooned and my health has been failing for some time. I have failed so many times, I have given up on ever getting healthy again. I have really came to the reality I will always be a severely obese guy. I have sort of reached a crossroads in my life where something needs to be done. Be done for me, if I'm going to live past 40. My mom had her first heart attack when she was 40. I have had chest pain that I've just lived with. I'm sure I have full blown diabetes now, I have all the signs and symptoms. I'm sure because of my many years of smoking, I have COPD. I have severe sleep apnea and use a machine to keep me breathing when I sleep. I have gout. I have many health issues. I took a "True Age" test the other day and found out because of all my problems, my "true age" is 68 years old. I'm only 37.

I watch the Biggest Loser and cry each episode. I say that I'm a lush and wipe it off to being like my mom. The true reason I cry is because I can see me there where they are at. I have put off sending in my application for several reasons, but the biggest reason is that I'm afraid I wouldn't make it home. I would be afraid to come home and have to deal with my past life. I'm not afraid of the hard work I'd have to do. I'd love to be able to work out several hours a day. To have that 1 on 1 support from a world renown personal trainer. This year is different for me. I see me at 450 lbs and thinking this is my last ditch effort to get healthy. I don't even want to get bone ass skinny, I just want to be healthy. I want to be around to walk my daughters down the isle. I want to be able to play with my grand kids. I want to have a long eternal life with Heather.

I think to myself almost constantly that Heather deserves someone that can keep up with her. I have let myself go, just holding things inside and not dealing with them head on. That is the reason why I have decided to do this blog. I skirt the issues, hiding behind food. I have failed so many times, I'm tired of seeing myself as a failure. I kill any ideas I come up with as an automatic failure.

I see my life as a failure. It seems I have either failed at so much in my life, or have given up on many things. Much of my life I do the easiest thing to just pass that I never challenge myself. I do the bare minimum to get by. I am forcing myself to do this weight loss to prove it to myself that I can do it. I will do it. I will do it even if it kills me. At least I will die knowing I finally gave it my all.

The Begining...Healing

With this new endeavor in the "final" beginning phases, it has been needed for a long time. I've had successes with many more failures with my weight problem. I ballooned from a weight of 250 when I graduated high school to near twice that 19 years later. That first summer after graduating I was in drum corps and lost over 75 lbs and was totally fit but couldn't live up to what I had done. Now I'm facing major health problems because of my choices.

I have had a weight problem ever since Jason was diagnosed w/ cancer when I was 8 years old. Everyone tells me I used food as a comfort, and I guess I have ever since. I can eat and eat and eat until I literally feel sick inside. And have eaten until I wish I would die. Gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins according to the Bible. I can attest to that.

I have had to deal with a lot in my short 36 years I have been on this Earth. More than majority of the people I knew. Death of several key family members, death of a son, several boughts of severe depression (medicated and non-medicated), money problems, marital problems, spiritual problems and temporal. Have a severe family history of heart problems, cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure and other severe abnormalities. What do I do when I turn 16, smoking and drinking. My drinking was never a major problem until I got pulled into the Principal's office and was given the 3rd degree of my involvement w/ liquor found in some people's lockers at the high school. I knew they had it, but didn't know anything about it inside the lockers. At that time, I soon realized the major medical problem my best friend had and major problems alcohol could of contributed to his medical condition, which I never knew he had.

I was teased throughout all my elementary school years. I was always the "fat kid". From the chubby cheeks to the chubby belly and the big butt. My school years have been, hard to say the least. Having to protect my brother during his chemotherapy for his cancer, being placed on the back burner for several years while he was placed #1 in order to beat his ordeal. I don't fault him or any of the family and they tried to keep me in the loop and get me things I needed to battle my own ordeal during this rough time in every one's life. He got better and that is all that mattered to me.

Jr high years was a continuance of where elementary school left off. This time I didn't care about myself. The first battle of my depression. I was going through puberty, hair in places I never imagined, voice lowering, body doing funky things. I would raid my dad's closet and get his 50's and 60's garb and would wear funky clothes, which would make my teasing increase. Silky shirts, cord pants, platform shoes, no showering, greasy hair, pimples and a fat kid. I can look back now and I can imagine what I looked like. And acted like. If it wasn't for my music and being able to dive head first into that, I probably wouldn't of survived past this time.

High school is where I began to take care of myself a lot better. Hair combed nicely, nicer clothes, still fat clothes, but looked decent. I showered and started to take care of myself a lot better and took pride in my appearance. I'm proud to say to this day I have never used any drugs of any kind short of alcohol and nicotine. I never seen any sort of dangerous drugs until I started working for the sheriff's office as a dispatcher. I always had the opportunity "to use" but never partook.

I met Heather in Jr High, when she moved to Tooele. We became aquaintances at this time. We knew of each other, but didn't really know each other well. It wasn't until high school when we got to know each other really well. Sophmore year, Mr Ferrin's chorus, we were invited to go sing the national anthem at the Golden Eagles hockey game, we became very close. She was battling her own demons at the time. I was there with her during the whole time she was battling them, brining us closer to each other. We did everything together. School, after school and personal lives. To this day, I wonder if we ever asked each other to go "steady" but we were considered steady girlfriend and boy friend. Even during this time, we bounced back and forth to & from each other. Mainly because of me, I wonder why she stuck it out with me. I'm surprised we are and have been married almost 16 years.

September 1988 Heather gave birth to a baby boy. She knew she could not take care of him properly and gave him up for adoption. This I know is one of the causes of her depression she is battling with now. I was there with her throughout the whole time, I counted him as mine. Eric turned 18 a couple years back and I have secretly been trying to locate him for her, so she can put closure on this part of her life. To begin her healing, but have not had the best chances on finding him. She was a client of LDS Family Services and they do not "open" their files very easily. I will fight for this till the day I die.

January 18, 1991 Mindee was born. Born of a stubborn hardheaded father, who denied she was his until she was almost 1 1/2 years old. I missed those formiable years in her life. I remember the first day I had with her. It was one of the best days of my life. I was a daddy, and by gosh I was going to be her daddy and not just a sperm donor. She didn't ask for that and I wasn't going to be such a hard person that I would deny her knowing her real father. I became dad. Even though at the time I was a heavy smoker, she didn't like to kiss me much because my mouth tasted "yucky" as she put it. At the time I was dating another high school "sweetie" Kim who had a baby of her own. I was taking care of both kids and spending time with both kids until 1 day I was taking grandma Maxfield home and she said, "You know, us Maxfields, we take care of our own". That's all she had to say for me to realize what I needed to do. I needed to fix my relationship with Heather.

Happily and sadly Feb 9, 1993 I proposed to her. It was her birthday and I had the whole night planned out. Dinner at the 13th floor, Golden Eagles hockey game and propose to her out on center ice. I had it all arranged with the team and the announcers. I was coming home from working at the Tooele Hospital as the graveyard aid, I decided to stop off and wish her a happy birthday. I spent a few mins there and had some time with her and Mindee, and then went home at mom and dad's. They asked me about Heather and knew we were getting serious again. Mom asked and brought up if there is a wedding they will have to plan for. I said as a matter of fact there was and showed her the engagement ring I have been hiding. It wasn't much and I don't even know if Heather still has the ring, but it was only a $15 Walmart special that ended up turning her finger green. It was all I could afford, I was helping all I could with Mindee and still trying to budget everything out.

Shortly after finishing the conversation w/ mom and dad I went to bed, only to be awaken to find out that my grandpa Curtis has passed away and we needed to quickly get on the road to help grandma with the arrangements. After the initial shock of his death, I gathered myself together and went back over to see Heather and give her the gift I had. I proposed to her after crying on her shoulder for some time. It wasn't what I planned, but it was a nice private moment in the begining of our lives together. After we finished crying and holding each other, I asked Heather to come back w/ me to help us get ready for our trip to California. Dad was off getting the van ready, mom and Heather was busy in the kitchen getting things ready to go. Mom gave her a hug and congratualted us both on our new life. It wasn't at all what I imagined, nor was it what I thought it should be.

We made a mad dash and planned the wedding & reception while I was in California. Catering to everyone's trip plans. Jason's graduation was a couple days before and to save everyone having to make 2 trips we decided that we'd hold it the same time. Feb 9th to May 29th, very short time to plan a wedding. Bride's dress needed to be made, bride's maids dresses had to be as well, tux plans, wedding line, colors, food etc. We managed, and fairly inexpensive too. Several hours was spent stamping and embossing our wedding announcements, business cards printed as the invites, peach and white bread ordered from Albertson's for the reception food, Orson Giggy for everything else. It seems like every night available was spent to plan, design, make etc for the wedding and reception.

Wedding was at the LDS church at 200 S Coleman. Dad was the photographer because Heather's step dad could not come to do it. He's a professional photographer in California. Mom and the rest of us did the luncheon and reception food. Debbie Sagers did the wedding cake for her gift to us, the bride's maid dresses Sally Rhodes sewn the dresses and Heather's mom made the wedding gown. Ray Ashby, family friend and seminary teacher, married us. It was a nice evening. Glad it was over, and happy it wasn't dragged out long. The first night we stayed in our apartment 245 S Coleman (kiddy corner from the church). In the morning we got up and went to mom and dad's to open our wedding gifts. I've never seen so many crock pots or toasters in my life. I guess that was the year for them LOL. We took alot of stuff back to Walmart. What ever we needed and didn't get, we was able to at that time.

Our official honey moon was up Ogden Canyon at a place called Wolf Mountain. A ski resort turned high end timeshares during the off peak time. I was so exausted I fell asleep early and wasn't getting up for nothing. It was a long rough 3 months of planning. I felt bad because I left Heather alone. We had a fun time tho. We went to Lagoon, Hill Airforce Air museum, Dinosour park a few times and generally hanging out.

I was able to loose some weight for our wedding. I looked good and Heather looked beautiful. I had never seen anyone so beautiful. Mindee, looked so cute in her matching dress, white dress with a peach ribbon at the waist. She was the flower girl and Heather's cousin was the ring bearer. Heather's dad gave her away, which was the first time she had any contact with him in 17 years or so. She wanted him to give her away so she got back in contact w/ him after all the years.

Life as a newleywed was good. We led "normal" lives at that time. Working, living together, enjoying each other. We had fairly uneventful lives until April 10, 1995. The twins was born, at 25 weeks. 15 weeks early. Heather was having contractions and her water started leaking. She went to Tooele Hospital to get checked out and it was decided that she best get into University Hospital where she could get more advanced care. During the ride in the ambulace, she kept having contractions and was getting more scary term wise. As the ambulance pulled into University Hospital ER, Elijah Grant Curtis was born. Heather was rushed right into Labor & Delivery where Joshua Nathaniel Curtis was born a few minutes later. Elijah was born at 1 lb 12 oz and Joshua was born 2 lbs 4 oz, both I believe was about 12 inches long. Due to the shock Elijah was in, he started out in very bad shape. Joshua it seemed was the stronger of the 2. With Elijah going downhill we decided to have him name and blessed. Mom's friends who she worked with came in and gave both a name and a blessing. I can not remember what was said in both blessings, but Elijah got better and Joshua got worse. All this happening before I was able to see Heather. Heather physically was not able to come to the naming and blessing. Heather was in bad shape herself, her placenta had not delivered yet and basically the doctor had to go in and get it to come out so she wouldn't bleed to death.

Elijah was named after a prominant ancestor of the Maxfield line as well as for the Book of Mormon prophet. Grant was both of my grandfather's middle names. Joshua was named after a person in the Book of Mormon and Nathaniel was out of the scriptures as well. At 50 hours old, Joshua succumed to his medical problems and passed away. Refusing to leave us while Heather and I was in the room. We had just left to try to get some sleep in one of the parent's rooms. It was less than an hour, mom came knocking on the door and said we had best get up, Joshua has passed. We walked down the hallway slowly going to this spare room where we were given time to spend with Joshua and ourselves. Mom helped prepare him for our time together. It was the worst day in my life. 2 of my most prized posessions was pictures we were given of Joshua and Elijah together shortly after his passing. The only pictures we have of them together.

Elijah spent a total of 81 days in NICU at Primary Chilren's Hospital. He had many ups and downs. Finally after steadily growing to little over 4 lbs, we was allowed to bring him home. Premie clothes and diapers was to big for him, but he grew daily. He had a few problems at home, caught RSV twice, stopped breathing a couple of times during the major outbreak. Spent another extended time in at PCH for that. Had hernia surgery. Spent a few days for that. We figure he spent a total of about 125 days in the hospital since birth. He was required to go to the newborn clinic at PCH up until he was 5 or 6. Other than a case of lazy eye and some respiratory problems when he gets sick, he has had no lasting affects of his ordeal. Now he's turned into quite a young man. Turning 14 this past April. He's the second miracle in our family, with Jason being the first.

April 15, 1996 brought another trying time for our family. Uncle Byron passed away. He was found by Aunt Uvonne whom he was living with in Reno, Nevada. 1 year to the day of Joshua's passing. He was buried the same day as Joshua. Shortly after his burial grandma Maxfield had a major stroke. I remember I had to tell my mom. Next to telling Heather of her grandfather's passing, which also occured February 9th, was the worst thing I have had to tell everyone. Grandma battled back so hard and strong, she was released from the nursing home, to go live with my Aunt Uvonne in Reno. I believe that was June 30th or July 1st. By July 3, 1996 she also passed. Succoming to another major stroke. One thing we could all imagine was granddad passing Joshua to grandma to take care of until we could arrive to take care of him. I'm sure it was a joyous reunion. Having been just over 13 years since granddad's death.