It's amazing how getting feelings out gives you a new look on life. That is this blog's purpose. I can see this as a way of healing and getting back the life I've lost so long ago.
I have held it together for so long, I have neglected me. I have forgot who I am or who I want to become. I had dreams, I had aspirations, I have had plans. I made the choices which have killed those plans. Do I regret those choices?? Depends on how you look at it. Majority of the things are just dreams. Some are soul saving that I won't be able to do for several more years. I guess reason why I always reflect back to those is because there was so many that was injured because of my choices. Mainly my family, Heather and Mindee, had to suffer because of those choices the most.
I have let myself get out of control. My weight has ballooned and my health has been failing for some time. I have failed so many times, I have given up on ever getting healthy again. I have really came to the reality I will always be a severely obese guy. I have sort of reached a crossroads in my life where something needs to be done. Be done for me, if I'm going to live past 40. My mom had her first heart attack when she was 40. I have had chest pain that I've just lived with. I'm sure I have full blown diabetes now, I have all the signs and symptoms. I'm sure because of my many years of smoking, I have COPD. I have severe sleep apnea and use a machine to keep me breathing when I sleep. I have gout. I have many health issues. I took a "True Age" test the other day and found out because of all my problems, my "true age" is 68 years old. I'm only 37.
I watch the Biggest Loser and cry each episode. I say that I'm a lush and wipe it off to being like my mom. The true reason I cry is because I can see me there where they are at. I have put off sending in my application for several reasons, but the biggest reason is that I'm afraid I wouldn't make it home. I would be afraid to come home and have to deal with my past life. I'm not afraid of the hard work I'd have to do. I'd love to be able to work out several hours a day. To have that 1 on 1 support from a world renown personal trainer. This year is different for me. I see me at 450 lbs and thinking this is my last ditch effort to get healthy. I don't even want to get bone ass skinny, I just want to be healthy. I want to be around to walk my daughters down the isle. I want to be able to play with my grand kids. I want to have a long eternal life with Heather.
I think to myself almost constantly that Heather deserves someone that can keep up with her. I have let myself go, just holding things inside and not dealing with them head on. That is the reason why I have decided to do this blog. I skirt the issues, hiding behind food. I have failed so many times, I'm tired of seeing myself as a failure. I kill any ideas I come up with as an automatic failure.
I see my life as a failure. It seems I have either failed at so much in my life, or have given up on many things. Much of my life I do the easiest thing to just pass that I never challenge myself. I do the bare minimum to get by. I am forcing myself to do this weight loss to prove it to myself that I can do it. I will do it. I will do it even if it kills me. At least I will die knowing I finally gave it my all.
I have held it together for so long, I have neglected me. I have forgot who I am or who I want to become. I had dreams, I had aspirations, I have had plans. I made the choices which have killed those plans. Do I regret those choices?? Depends on how you look at it. Majority of the things are just dreams. Some are soul saving that I won't be able to do for several more years. I guess reason why I always reflect back to those is because there was so many that was injured because of my choices. Mainly my family, Heather and Mindee, had to suffer because of those choices the most.
I have let myself get out of control. My weight has ballooned and my health has been failing for some time. I have failed so many times, I have given up on ever getting healthy again. I have really came to the reality I will always be a severely obese guy. I have sort of reached a crossroads in my life where something needs to be done. Be done for me, if I'm going to live past 40. My mom had her first heart attack when she was 40. I have had chest pain that I've just lived with. I'm sure I have full blown diabetes now, I have all the signs and symptoms. I'm sure because of my many years of smoking, I have COPD. I have severe sleep apnea and use a machine to keep me breathing when I sleep. I have gout. I have many health issues. I took a "True Age" test the other day and found out because of all my problems, my "true age" is 68 years old. I'm only 37.
I watch the Biggest Loser and cry each episode. I say that I'm a lush and wipe it off to being like my mom. The true reason I cry is because I can see me there where they are at. I have put off sending in my application for several reasons, but the biggest reason is that I'm afraid I wouldn't make it home. I would be afraid to come home and have to deal with my past life. I'm not afraid of the hard work I'd have to do. I'd love to be able to work out several hours a day. To have that 1 on 1 support from a world renown personal trainer. This year is different for me. I see me at 450 lbs and thinking this is my last ditch effort to get healthy. I don't even want to get bone ass skinny, I just want to be healthy. I want to be around to walk my daughters down the isle. I want to be able to play with my grand kids. I want to have a long eternal life with Heather.
I think to myself almost constantly that Heather deserves someone that can keep up with her. I have let myself go, just holding things inside and not dealing with them head on. That is the reason why I have decided to do this blog. I skirt the issues, hiding behind food. I have failed so many times, I'm tired of seeing myself as a failure. I kill any ideas I come up with as an automatic failure.
I see my life as a failure. It seems I have either failed at so much in my life, or have given up on many things. Much of my life I do the easiest thing to just pass that I never challenge myself. I do the bare minimum to get by. I am forcing myself to do this weight loss to prove it to myself that I can do it. I will do it. I will do it even if it kills me. At least I will die knowing I finally gave it my all.
At least you are starting this diet with me and I know that it will help you. You are going to loose weight so fast.
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